i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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