why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
