haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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