im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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