Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
