Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just gift wrapped bread.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize