He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
