I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
