just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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