I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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