just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
