don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
