I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
