you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
