Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
