I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
