she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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