my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
