dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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