So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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