If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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