He had one of those small greek statue penises
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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