I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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