i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
