Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize