I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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