I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
