Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
