My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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