im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
