im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
