took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
