He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
