3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
