jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
