I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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