dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
