College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
