No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
