her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
