Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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