So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
