I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
FUCK WHALES
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
