his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
