Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
