i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
