M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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