My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
