Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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