I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize