im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Fuck appropriateness.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
