I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
