I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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