I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
