She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can I color on your dick again?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
