What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize