I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
