The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
