Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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