so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
